Look to the Skies!

Commentary by Joe Spann

"Look to the Skies!"

"It's alive...It's alive...IT'S ALIIIIIIVE!!!"

- Colin Clive - 1931 or Gene Wilder - 1974
(It doesn't really matter which, just pick one!)


Hello. I see you've braved the elements and the chaos that has swept our nation to once again visit the good ol' Amish gay bar. I even see one or two new faces here, so either the word is spreading about this place, or the chaos outside is growing more intense and people are seeking shelter wherever they can find it!

However, I feel that it is only fair to warn you that, if you've come seeking refuge from the squalid spectacle of the recent election, then you may as well turn around and go home! Even here, we cannot escape current events! And if you new folks are of a liberal turn of mind and thought that you would surely be among kindred souls in a gay bar, you are in for a Hell of a shock!

That's because there aren't any gay Amish here. They run away and leave me in charge of the place, and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: I'm not a liberal! Far from it! And if you cannot tolerate hearing conservative opinions, then you should perhaps consider going elsewhere.

I hear Dade county in Florida is nice for liberals this year.

As you've probably gathered, I'm in a "pissy" mood at the moment, partially the result of the circus that the recent presidential election has become, thanks to the endless and hypocritical antics of Al and his cronies. I was in a bad mood when I arrived, and what happened after I came in only made things worse!

If you recall the last time we gathered together, I mentioned that I might leave a letter for the gay Amish who truly own this place. I wanted to introduce myself to them and tell them they needn't take flight every time I come in. I was also going to mention the limited selection of beverages and ask for a little variety in that department. Well, around closing time, shortly after you had all left, I wrote the letter. I thought at the time that it was a very good letter and that when I came through the door this evening, I would get my first look at some real live gay Amish!

Well...as you can probably already guess, I was disappointed. I was greeted with the usual scene of the stool hitting the floor and the back door swinging on it's hinges. It was shortly after I finished my usual "post - stampede" clean up, that I noticed the letter sitting on top of the bar, with my name written on the front of the envelope. At first I was extremely happy to see that they had responded, then, I had a disturbing thought: What if they wrote to say that I had to stop using their place each month and must stop chasing them out each month? With trembling hands, I opened the envelope and looked at the letter. That's when I got my first real insight into gay Amish psychology.

Have you ever heard about how the French have an irritating tendency to refuse to speak in another language? In Quebec, for example, those who speak French love to play this little game with their countrymen who speak English. Say the English speaker asks the French speaker a question in English. The French speaker will reply to the question, but he will do so in French. If the other speaker knows French and responds in that language, the French speaker will then respond in English! The entire conversation will proceed in this silly - assed fashion, until the English speaker decides he has had enough and breaks off the annoying exchange. Well, it appears that gay Amish are just the same!

They responded to my letter alright, but the damn thing isn't in English! It's written in...I don't know what this language is! Dutch...or German, or Lower Elbonian, whatever the Hell it is that gay Amish speak to one another! I haven't a clue what the letter says! Crap! It's always something, isn't it? No matter what you do, some irrational moron with an attitude is always lying in wait to screw around with you!

Which brings me to this whole election debacle. You would have to be a complete blithering idiot not to see that this whole business of lawsuits and endless demands for selective recounts is nothing more than a spiteful tantrum on Gore's part. This has all of the signs of a child of privilege throwing a snit because his sense of entitlement has been frustrated. He has, therefore, fallen back on the tactic liberals have always used to gain and keep power in America: the slogan and the lawsuit. Here, we are witness to the spectacle of Gore spouting the slogan, "every vote must count", while filing lawsuits to have thousands of military and absentee ballots thrown out, because those voters rejected him! If we could somehow bottle and store the stench of this hypocrisy, we could supply enough insecticide to meet world demand for the next decade.

And yet...it has occurred to me that this spectacle has given me a golden opportunity to thoroughly explain the problem I have with liberals in this country, which is this: Liberals are not rational people. They are governed solely by their "feelings" and only think when it becomes necessary to rationalize their emotional actions. The primary emotions that they are both governed by and use against others are envy and guilt, with guilt being their weapon of choice when trying to win an argument. This is a lesson that anyone living in Memphis learns soon after moving here.

It is a “given” in Memphis that all white people must be subjected, with no warning or provocation, to any rant by a liberal black person about the state of race relations in the city. Since almost all of the city’s black citizens are liberal, and therefore they consider race relations here to be horrible, it is also a “given” that the targeted person must listen attentively and without comment (unless to agree enthusiastically), and must accept some sort of personal blame for the city’s ugly racial environment.

I don't play that game. When someone starts in on me, I tell them flat out that I am a conservative, Reagan-Republican and that I do not subscribe to any liberal “dogma of the moment”. Furthermore, since I am not a Christian, I do not believe in original sin! Therefore, I do not take responsibility or blame for events that occurred before I was born or for the actions of other white people. They must judge me on the content of my character and not the color of my skin. To do otherwise is racist!

They really hate when you quote King to rebut their attacks. Of course, the result is that many now consider me something close to a Klansman or Nazi and they stop speaking to me. I do not mind this. I see no need to cultivate the friendship of bitter, professionally aggrieved liberals.

But liberals are a sneaky tribe, and, two years ago, I was again subjected to one of these diatribes, but it came from a completely unexpected direction and was done in such a devious manner that I was nearly caught flatfooted. This story is indicative of the thought processes of liberals in general and will give you an excellent idea of the kind of person who would find Gore so appealing. I have changed the name of the individual involved and omitted the name of the company where we were working, in order to spare him future embarrassment and me a possible law suit (he is a liberal, remember!).

Around the first part of June that year, a young black man named David, who was the son of one of my supervisors at work, started his usual stint at the company as a Summer employee. David attended college out of town, so he could only work there during the Summer. At first, I considered him to be a fairly agreeable young man, who enjoyed music and movies of all kinds and we would enjoy some fairly animated discussions about both while we opened the morning mail. The most fun we had was discussing "Love Story", which he loved and I found to be trite, contrived, under - produced and under - acted, save those few moments when O'Neal & McGraw felt the need to chew the scenery.

After a time, however, I began to notice that he was applying a “quota system” to every film he saw. He was keeping track of how many “brothers” (his word) appeared in each film, and whether or not they had speaking parts. This was his sole objection to "Love Story" and "Four Weddings And a Funeral". When I pointed out that "Weddings" was set in England among the gentry, where you wouldn't find very many black people, he was unsatisfied. I realized that any further discussion was pointless, and resolved to not discuss this issue with him in future.

A few days later, David made his move. We were discussing, of all things, whether or not the Federal Government was going to really see a surplus in the budget that year. I said that, considering the bizarre manner in which the government keeps its books, I would find it hard to believe that there really was a surplus. Besides, there is no such thing as a “surplus” in your budget when you have a 3 Trillion dollar debt. I had no sooner said this when David head popped up and he tells me that my mentioning the debt reminded him of a movie he saw in his “African Studies” course at school.

uh-oh. “African Studies”. This didn't bode well at all!

I was then subjected to hearing about this film, which was based on the most evil, small minded, petty, absurd, stupid, arrogant and viciously racist premise imaginable. David couldn't remember the name of it, not that it matters. I would not poison any one's hard drive with this vile film's name and would never mention it to another living soul, fearful as I would be that someone might seek it out and have their soul destroyed by it! Sadly, you will not understand my reaction if I don't at least give you the minimal idea about its plot. Believe me when I say that I am only giving you a small taste of what I had to listen to. I should also warn you that you will be offended. If you aren't then there is something seriously wrong with you.

This is the story: Aliens arrive on the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassination. They contact the American Government and offer to eliminate the national debt in exchange for all of America’s black citizens. They offer no real explanation for this arrangement and are vague about what fate would await those who went with them. To prove their sincerity, they transform the Statue of Liberty into solid gold.

For their part, all of the country’s blacks, to a man, scream that they absolutely do not want to go with the aliens. The president and Congress decide to hold a special election to decide the issue. The result was that 13% were opposed and 87% were in favor. The aliens land, (on Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday no less) strip the blacks to their underwear and lead them off in chains to their waiting ships.

David, once done with this little tale, gave me a look as if to say “see? I've really got you people figured out!”

I went ballistic!

“What’s the matter, David? History isn't enough anymore? You have to start making up shit to be pissed off at us about? How dare you! That is the most offensive God damn “story” I've ever heard! "

David, believe it or not, was honestly surprised at my reaction and realized he was in dangerous territory. “Really? None of the white people in the class were. Believe it or not, there were a lot of whites in “African Studies” and they all agreed that if aliens made that offer that it would happen that way.”

You have all seen me give someone my “you blithering idiot” look before. You know, that direct, fixed stare over the top of my glasses with my head tilted downward? Well, it was his turn to get it. “Tell me something.” I said after I had enjoyed this for a time, “Just how many of these white students said they would vote for the expulsion?”

“None of them said they would.”

“Of course not! Oh no, not these “enlightened” white liberal souls sitting in an “African Studies” course, wallowing in borrowed guilt over things done before they were born and would never do themselves but who never the less feel a masochistic need to be punished for! But of course they just KNEW that the rest of us unenlightened white trash are just chomping at the bit to sell out every black person in America! And to space aliens, no less! I'm sick of hearing this shit!” I was pretty red faced at this point and, as I'm sure you have probably gathered, I wasn't speaking in a normal tone of voice. David made a hasty retreat at this point and I didn't see him again for the rest of the day.

He made one more attempt to broach the race issue with me by bringing up the treatment of the Amerinds the next day. It quickly became obvious however, that he was so completely ignorant of Amerind history and that I was so completely ready and willing to call him on it that he dropped the subject. His tactic now is to only discuss “black films” which he knows I make no particular effort to see, due to their almost universal vulgarity and implied racism. I suppose this was meant to shame me, but you would think that after having displayed absolutely no guilt or shame at not having seen them that even this approach would lose its charm.

The persistence of an “Angry Young Black Man” knows no limit, apparently.

What makes this especially ridiculous is David's background. He grew up in Germantown, the most affluent suburb of Memphis. His parents have busted their butts to give him every advantage, yet here this idiot was, determined to find some proof that he had been cheated. After all, his “African Studies” have taught him that America is the most evil, racist nation on earth, and all white people are card carrying members of a vast, organized conspiracy to destroy the entire black race. Every slight, whether real or imagined, every disagreement becomes “proof” of the conspiracy.

And now, each and every night, every white man, woman and child gets on bended knee and prays for aliens to swoop down and solve our...”Deficit and Darkie problems” with a single stroke! Now we have to feel “guilty” about our “willingness” to conspire with fictional space aliens, or we will be considered “racist”!

It is also a tragic situation. David is a young man of some potential, potential that is now being threatened by these corrosive racial attitudes. He doesn't have sufficient life experience to see it for the garbage it is. He will be forever poisoned and limited by these ideas and his life will be squandered in artificial rage over crimes never done to him.

Pity. But then, this is the kind of individuals who finds nothing wrong with Gore's petty behavior or his pathological inability to tell the truth. All is forgiven and excused, as long as he is perceived by them to have bought into and supports their irrational nonsense.

Do you really want the country governed by a man who "thinks" like this?

Well, guys, that concludes today’s rant. Feel free to comment and please forgive all the “bad words”.

Have a great Christmas...and...”Look to the skies”!

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